I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
