fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
