How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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