The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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