Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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