dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
