You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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