he wants to bone in the snuggie
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
