a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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