you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
