Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
