I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
