Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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