do herpes really smell.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
