make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
is wine microwaveable?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
