My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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