So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
