What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
