i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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