well I can't set my house on fire every night
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
