I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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