woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
