I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
