We're like a lot better than the average bears
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
