The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
