im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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