Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
