so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
