A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
