I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
