So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
