I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
