Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
