Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
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I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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