I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
