Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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