Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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