Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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