My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
