How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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