During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
