I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
