awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
