great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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