I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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