i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
