I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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