Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
