so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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