Someone shit on the floor
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?