I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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