You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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