yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
