There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
