I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize