please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
