I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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