I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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