I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
