He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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