did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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